The original poster says she hasn't gained weight, even though her boyfriend thinks she has. permissions/licensing, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com. My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 6months.. prior to marriage we used to have a great sex life.. hes mum passed away about, 3 ,years ago and I decided to move in with him n hes bro.. so with I became the female in the house so im always there with him it used to be like we were married and I slowly I've struggled with depression my whole life, so if my brain was playing tricks on me, it wouldn't be out of the blue. I am about 30lbs overweight. Maybe 30 or 40 pounds. We had been arguing and having relationship issues the entire 9 months and I was drinking and stressing myself out cause he broke up with me mid deployment to date another girl and then we got back together. Are fat people even represented? The weight gain is causing some real issues on my part: We can prevent people from having an eating disorder through diet prevention! Now, I hate if he comes around me if Im naked. I now find myself questioning our relationship again. It is so easy to dig our heels in on something that we know to be true. FWIW, he was pretty thin before, and he's now a few pounds shy of 200, apparently. I acknowledge that this is not fair to him. Cheryl Strayed: What's really interesting to me about your situation, Scared, is that your desire for your partner returned once you realized how much he meant to you, not after he lost weight. So maybe finding fault with this guy's weight is the best you can do to mess things up. i love him and it doesnt matter to me but he is always saying how hes insecure about it and that hes getting fat, but im not seein him doing anything to stop, or lose weight. Senarighi thinks this doesnt just apply to body size, but also to pleasure and sexual connection. The average person put on 17 pounds. he said i look healthy but then said something that really hurt me. Is your boyfriend's weight a deal killer for you? Everything your crush says is intriguing. I gained 20 pounds, which was a lot more than I thought I had. There are so many messages we receive in this culture that tell us that people who are overweight are undesirable, so it's no surprise you would internalize that and feel conflicted when you see your boyfriend's body changing. He feels insecure and all about it. It flips everything we have known about dieting, weight loss, illness, and health on its head. It is different. They may have even kept it from you for a while as they were trying to figure out what they thought and how to bring it up with you. They dont owe you physically intimacy or sex if you have actually told them that youre not attracted to them. Except your partner has discovered a different paradigm that has changed their life. And, Ive asked him if my weight gain was an issue and he said no to me, and he also said no in counseling. I asked him what he would think if I gained significant weight, and if he would still be attracted to me. Did you know that eating disorders are the most fatal mental health disorder? But you're going down a dangerous path when you hitch your wagon to an erotic ideal. I did some soul-searching and realized the relationship was important to me. They were always focused on getting thinner by dieting and losing weight. They thought this would lead to them becoming healthier and probably happier, too. My 01, 2020. It absolutely does and you're correct that it matters even more in a long-term relationship, Scared. Another possible reason why a woman might gain weight after a break up is 6. we were talking about modeling and i was like Youve been together for a year, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, maybe longer? You have a right to your preferences. It is not your partners job to help you work on this emotionally. I dont really mind if he gains weight or not, but he does. Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Gained a Lot of Weight. I tried putting myself back into some jeans and realized I could not get the buttons done up for half of them. He had not really mentioned my weight before and always made me feel beautiful My husband is 40 and I'm almost there, have been married for 12 years, together for many more, and have a school-age son. You gained some weight during the pandemic it was getting hard to still be attracted to you physically. Those words were the last straw. Does the fat person get to have a real storyline that doesnt include them trying to lose weight or obsessing about their size or food? Body Liberation, Body Positivity, Body Trust, Body Story, Cisheteropatriarchy, Community, Connection, Dieting, Fat Acceptance, Fat activism, Fat Liberation, Fatphobia, HAES Professionals, Health At Every Size, Health Care, Health Care Providers, Healthcare, Medical Weight Stigma, Privilege, Sizeism, Shame, Weight Bias, Weight Stigma, White Fragility, White Privilege, Fatphobia, Community, Fat Community, Health At Every Size, ASDAH, Pets, Dogs, White privilege, White supremacy, Academia. My boyfriend is getting back from deployment in a couple of weeks. If I was very visibly unhappy and struggling with my weight gain and my partner asked me that question, I might be hurt and defensive enough to give a snarky answer. I am glad you are interested in finding out what your answers to these questions might be. Feeling the feelings you might have about letting go of thinness and weight loss, might just give you the opportunity to find out what is on the other side of those feelings. Is the fat person ever the lead role? Of course, you want your partner-in-crime to be happy, confident, and feel comfortable in their body. My boyfriend's gaining weight. Try to attend a screening of the movie, Fattitude. Then she stops, and says she doesn't feel well or whatever. After having my kids, I did put on a bit of weight too. So she makes me feel like it's my fault that she stopped, so I alter my routine and start exercising with her. Thankfully there are plenty of people that you can follow on social media these days, and eventually what you see as attractive will shift. There are some things I stopped wearing when my belly stopped being flat. Meanwhile, I still look my When my man and I first started dating, he always worked out and ate healthfully. You're a deeper person than you realize. He had been on and off with trying to lose weight and he is a constant quitter. She weighed about 100 pounds. So, pull out a piece of paper or your notes app on your phone, and make a list of as many things you can that you appreciate and love about your partner. If it is really true that he is under a lot of stress, this may be the underlying reason for his weight gain. "If in fact she hasn't gained weight, then it sounds like his comments may be leaning towards manipulation or even emotional abuse," says Esther Boykin, LMFT. I was in recovery from an eating disorder when I met B. People who have gained weight don't need to be told they've gained weightthey are acutely aware and dislike it even more than you do. All of this information is rather radical compared to what is commonly available in regards to weight loss and health, right? He stepped on the scale the other day and he has gained 50 pounds! my boyfriend has gained about 30-40lbs since weve been together. However, she got back to her fitness routine and was happy to see the results. I can't confide in my family or friends b/c they will judge my husband. Ive tried with various success (and failure) to lose the weight. Our focus on weight as a marker for health is actually one of the ways that our health is damaged. I feed him well, he likes to snack and his fat belly and mushy chest are a turn on for me. 61% of Americans Say They Gained Weight During the Pandemic More than half of U.S. adults report gaining unwanted weight during the COVID-19 pandemic, but health experts say making a But they have started accepting their body, and no longer want to try to change it through dieting. It can be so easy to get into a groove and take for granted all that they are and/or do for us. I've Andrew Walen and Body Image Therapy Center. Did you know dieting, weight loss, and focusing on weight are contraindicated for all eating disorders? I was always skinny but had very wide hips and bigger thighs, started dating my future hubby when I was 18 and met him via a blind date. My boyfriend has left me because I have put on weight, even though I am size 10 or 12 (am tall) and we have lots in common. He had not really mentioned my weight before and always made me feel beautiful previously. That's awesome. I feel shallow for caring update Article was updated Mar. Bodies grow, change, and age and the more we can move into an accepting and compassionate place with our own bodies the more we can accept and love other bodies, said Gina Senarighi. If you were wondering, it's also okay to smoke, occasionally binge drink, use recreational drugs, and lead a sedentary lifestyle. If it was easy, you probably wouldnt be reading this. Im having a problem with my boyfriend thats really getting on my nerve lately. While your exercise and diet efforts are still important for you to achieve your weight It just isnt true. Yes, I think it's okay to stay overweight. It might be. I feel super gross and its not like my stomach is hanging over my vagina. That can be a tough mandate when you feel such overriding and unprecedented emotional connection. I fell in love with him Her husband was husky when they met, but now he's obese. Seek your own therapist if you need to work on your feelings about all of this more. im 5'5 1/2 and around 118 pounds. You felt an immediate and intuitive connection to this man, enough to talk marriage a week in. So much of it has to do with living in a society that sets up impossible standards of beauty, particularly for women but also for men. After she had our son it didnt seem like she lost that much weight. OK, fine but even if she had , his behavior is, regardless, manipulative and controlling. It is important to remind yourself what you love about the person you are with. Many people start their first diet by the age of 9 or 10-years old. The poll showed that more than half (57 percent) of people admitted they gained weight in their first year of marriage. It seemed radical then, but now its protocol. I gained 20 pounds, which was a lot more than I thought I had. How many jokes are made at the expense of someones size? things like my new business and studying Italian (I've always wanted to learn). You are a kind, loving partner, and yet you may find yourself not physically attracted to them anymore. Perhaps weight is a huge barrier to the infamous alpha male, but I really find it hard to believe that the average Joe is giving a woman who isnt even overweight a hard time. When he gained 40 pounds, I realized I wasn't as recovered as I thought I was. Is the fat person a villain? Our bodies change over the years, so there's clearly so much more to a relationship than Hubby Likes Bigger Females - My Weight Gain Journey. She feels like she's gained weight and her clothes don't fit the way they used to. Think about when a couple first meets: curiosity and fascination are abundant. To order copies of This is really difficult to talk about. You cannot expect your ideas to change overnight, so taking the time to work through the items on the list is key to shifting your beliefs. I am working on getting it off. My current boyfriend loves my body right now and I like it a lot too even though I still am going to lose the last 30 lbs. Ask any 80-year-old who's still sleeping with the person they married at 30. Our doubts are what underwrite that industry, so companies do everything they can to stoke those doubts. When we were dating, he was 170 pounds. But I didnt have the cut up body Dave was accustomed to. Is the fat person cast as the frumpy, silly best friend side kick? After a pregnancy she tried weight watchers again, but currently she gained a bit (looks like ) instead of loosing and now eats more than before and calls herself plump. But (because all bodies change sexually over the lifespan) couples who fail to find ways to continue exploring and learning about each others newly emerging kinks, desires, fantasies, and pleasure spots often find themselves a little lost sexually.. She became pregnant with our son, and she blew up during her pregnancy which was expected. Grieve about what you thought was going to happen. When a man feels like hes a loser in the world, the thought is so overwhelming and uncomfortable that hed do anything to avoid thinking about it and feeling the awful feelings that come with feeling like a loser. During COVID, I gained a lot of the weight back, and have been struggling to lose again. by Eric Charles. A lot of men find me attractive but my bf doesn't and I regularly do sport. All of these pictures are from 2005: We were definitely the type of couple that gained weight together. And include reasons you are grateful for their body beyond looks, and beyond sex. And we wind up carrying them into our relationships. The diet and obesity management industries do not want people to accept their bodies the way they are. Yeah. That was a long list. But you may not have realized that you were invested in your partner being thinner. And it might surprise you. evaporated. When a man feels like hes a loser in the world, the thought is so overwhelming and uncomfortable that hed do anything to avoid thinking about it and feeling the awful feelings that come with feeling like a loser. A lot. Stay focused on being open to hearing the body of research that supports non-diet approaches. Dieting, aside from genetic predisposition, is one of the biggest risk factors for developing an eating disorder. She's put on a lot of weight (she's 5,4 like 170 now). A few months ago, I went through a period of questioning. Here is a letter Anna Jones wrote to her husband on her blog. Can you imagine? She may then intentionally gain some weight, stop wearing as much makeup and generally put less effort into her appearance, as a way of screening guys who would only like her when she is looking her best. But it doesn't leave much room for the doubt that naturally arises as a courtship lengthens and intensifies. James never judged me for it or criticised my body at all. Stay open to hearing about the work that people have been doing to create a different narrative for decades. SA: We get so many letters from people who are struggling with negative feelings about their bodies, or those of their lovers. A lot of people gain weight when they're unhappy or stressed out because they don't have healthier ways of coping. Is the persons head cut off to dehumanize them? I workout at the gym 3 days a week, and sometimes the weekends. My husband is getting fat. He even supported me emotionally and mentally when I changed my eating and exercise habits in order to lose that weight again. It reinforces weight stigma and poor medical treatment for people in bigger bodies. Your partner is talking about anti-diet or non-diet approaches, such as Health at Every Size (HAES), Body Trust, and Intuitive Eating (IE). I think Ive now finally found the way to lose the weight. It is like finding out the earth isnt flat. When I first met her she was 55, and what I consider skinny. Shes worried about her boyfriends reaction to her recent weight gain. In addition to keeping an open mind, Gina Senarighi says, we need to stay connected and engaged with each other and we need [to] strike a balance where we also explore and learn on our own. She recommends "couples create an adventure and learning list they can start exploring together and individual bucket lists for them to dream on their own." Steve Almond: I don't think you're a terrible person, Scared to Choose Wrong. Is your relationship or marriage over? I told my boyfriend, I gained like 20 pounds this year! in surprise. My boyfriend gained weight since we started dating and everyone tells him he's gaining so much weight. Capitalism and the diet and obesity management industries feed off of peoples insecurities, so that they can exploit them to purchase their products, and continue making their money. I ate what he ate, The last thing you would want to do is bring up your partners weight and find out months down the road that theyve developed an eating disorder. We have been together for six years and now she has stopped going to the gym and let herself go. You may be thinking---there is absolutely no way. Ive steadily gained weight over the years and our sex life has wained in to in equal measure. I have been with my boyfriend for about five yearshes 12 years younger than me, but no one thinks I am as old as I amand we are exact polar opposites of each other. Understanding that my view may not be of popular opinion, I whole heartedly believe attraction is a fundamental requirement in a relationship. Its not my spouse but my SO of 13 years. Regarding your girlfriends weight gain, its worth having a conversation with her about it one that focuses on her feelings, not yours. With babies and jobs, its hard for either partner to put much focus on their own body. Its not my spouse but my SO of 13 years. During those three months, I gained weight. It's worth considering whether this anxiety is standing in for a more fundamental fear: that you won't be able to love this guy over the long haul, that you're too "terrible" too judgmental, too superficial. We rarely see fat people in a positive light in ads, magazines, TV, etc. Your partner might actually have struggled with an eating disorder, or is currently experiencing disordered eating. One of the best things you can do for yourself is start following social media accounts of people in larger bodies. They stand to lose billions if this continues to be a significant trend. Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Gained a Lot of Weight. Our healthcare system has really driven this idea home that we have to be thinner to be healthier. My boyfriend and I have both gained some weight since being together, however only a small amount. So glad I beat that. CS: That's not to say physical attraction doesn't matter. We have been married 12 yrs. Long-term relationships thrive when the people in them are open to repeatedly seeing their partners anew, physically and otherwise. I dont know what to say to him to make him feel better and secure about himself? You worry that you "have issues," Scared, but the point is, our entire culture has issues. Gina Senarighi, a transformative couples coach, says there is a commonly held idea that bodies don't or shouldn't change. She goes on to say, They do and are- and that's actually normal and healthy for all growing organisms- including humans. Senarighi says, getting curious and fostering connected autonomy helps couples move from places of stagnancy to a resilient deep connection. With shifts in your beliefs, open-mindedness, curiosity, and building your connection, it is possible for you to love, appreciate, and be attracted to your partners body just the way it is. The biggest culprit of this weight gain is the demands that starting a family puts on couples. There are amazing podcasts out there that break a lot of these topics down and provide really helpful information for free and at your own pace. Fast forward a year or so. Id say it is even similar to when surgeons started washing their hands during surgery. Part of loving someone over time is loving those changes. Which is why you are even reading this blog. By incorporating the items on this list into your life, you will be making an effort to understand, connect, and support your person in wonderful ways. During COVID, I gained a lot of the weight back, and have been struggling to lose again. No one can maintain it over the long haul, even if we achieve it for a short while. I've been told by friends that I have a tendency to sabotage myself, that deep down, I don't feel like I deserve happiness and subconsciously make choices to ensure I don't get it. Remind yourself of the amazing things that your partner can do and how resilient they have been. Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. I gave it away when I gained weight. The person you love, your girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, or partner has become body positive or fat positive. Think about how much of our consumer culture is predicated on the illusion that we can purchase our way to thinness, to eternal youth, to perfect abs and no wrinkles. My current boyfriend loves my body right now and I like it a lot too even though I still am going to lose the last 30 lbs. Weight gain is a touchy subject, and even when true, its shitty to accept that it could affect attraction in ones relationship. My husband is getting fat. My husband hates it when I'm overweight. Hi, I'm a 41 y/o Very happily married female. presentation-ready copies of Toronto Star content for distribution Perhaps weight is a huge barrier to the infamous alpha male, but I really find it hard to believe that the average Joe is giving a woman who isnt even overweight a hard time. Bringing up the weight of anyone, whether your parent, sibling, partner, or friend, can be incredibly awkward, and may even make you feel like a I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and in that space of time he has gained a little over 30 lbs. The original poster says she hasn't gained weight, even though her boyfriend thinks she has. Be open to listening to your partners experience and feelings. I started recovery for my eating disorders about three years ago, and I was finally starting to feel like I was gaining at least a sense of neutrality about my body. It certainly cant hurt you to try it and see what happens! I have been in the situation where a boy has told me that they didn't like my body, and so have a few other girls I know, and every single time it has made the girl feel upset and angry. But recently, he's been gaining weight like crazy. These are all really important questions to be asking. I know how shallow that sounds, but I've always been told that physical attraction is important in a marriage, and I thought: If I'm not feeling attracted to him at 34, how am I going to feel when he's 54? Its not like shes morbidly obese, but shes gained a fair amount of weight since we got together. If you want to help your girlfriend stop gaining But we're taught in our culture we shouldn't age and our bodies 'should'remain one shape from about age 18 [until] death as adults and that shape 'should'be one specific very small size." If he is no longer physically attractive to you, and you feel yourself disgusted by his weight, then all you can do is tell him the truth, and let him know that you want to desire him, and you want to be attracted to him, but his weight is making him less and less desirable. Not a lot just a few pounds. When My Husband Gained Weight, I Felt Sexier In My Marriage. There is a growing body of evidence that shows gaining and losing weight repeatedly puts people at risk for heart problems, diabetes, muscle loss, fatty liver, gallbladder problems, and decreased metabolic function. Toronto Star articles, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com. Talking about weight gain falls into this awkward category of things you dread broaching and its an issue which crops up quite regularly in my counselling sessions. This copy is for your personal non-commercial use only. When we doubt a lover, it's almost always an expression of self-doubt cast onto them. He'd put on some weight and his face looked different and I wasn't feeling as attracted to him. Here are ten ways you can support your partner in this new paradigm that is practiced worldwide and increase your knowledge about HAES, Body Trust, IE, body positivity, and fat positivity. My weight was always going up and down throughout university due to the binge-starve cycle I was trapped in. My body is very proportionate and plus-sized, but oh so sexy in my opinion. Dear Bossip,I love my husband dearly, but his growing belly is making me less attracted to him every day.He was always husky, but was filled with promises of getting in shape. Saying you are not worthy of your partner because of your weight is like saying you arent worthy of your partner because of your shoe size, your hair color, or your ethnicity. I feel embarrassed being with her in public. Sarah Thompson, founder of Resilient Fat Goddess, writes about body positivity, body liberation, and fat liberation at the intersections of gender, sexuality, and eating disorders. It's not like any of my other boyfriends had ever helped me when I had gained weight (or thought I had). This is something that needs to be repaired within your relationship.
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